HOLIDAY CONFLICT
Every year as the holidays approach there is a tendency at times for nerves to get a little bit frayed or sometimes a lot. When this happens, often frustration builds and anger can be instant. It’s more likely that irritation has had some time to simmer so that when someone flies off the handle for an action or some words from someone else – especially from a family member- it may seem unwarranted or out of proportion with the occurrence.
In families this happens because we have been around each other for many years and come to know behavior or comments that other family members make that we don’t like and if we are under any stress at all – for a variety of reasons or even self-imposed, we can snap . We may then feel the other person deserved our anger or we rationalize to ourselves that we were tired, entitled to get mad or just don’t care right then. Other times we may feel guilty and sometimes we may actually try to understand why we lost it at that particular time. Regardless of everything- fighting and arguing, harboring angry resentment happens in many homes and is exacerbated by holiday tension.
So how do we deal with this?
What we usually want to achieve is some kind of peace again. We want to get past it. Here are a few things you can do that might help:
1.Consider that the other person was not intending to hit a nerve. Take a deep breath.
2.Listen to what they actually said. Paraphrase what you understood them to be saying. If you understood correctly, and disagree, or have your feelings hurt, say so, but leave out the expletives and name-calling especially. Siblings do a lot of this. If the situation is an on-going- back and forth repartee, parents might step in and ask the siblings or a partner or child to connect with one another for the holidays.
3.Learn how to really listen without using blocks to listening. We block unknowingly in many ways; distractions, comparing, day-dreaming, attitudes, assumptions, rehearsing what we plan to say next, judging the other person, filtering what we hear and don’t, derailing and changing the subject, being right, sparring, placating and advising, dominating and even more ways.
4.Try to put yourself in their shoes. Consider where they might be coming from. Realize that they too might be stressed or worried.
5.After you listen to the other person, ask them if they are willing to hear your point of view. If you haven’t barked his/her head off, he or she should be willing to listen to you.
6.If a problem needs to be solved or a decision made and there are opposing perspectives, once you have listened carefully to one another, if no compromise can be found, consider an alternative. Invite ideas from other family members if need be. Ultimately you want to feel like each of you was heard and understood and that the results were reasonably satisfying to each of you.
7.Let go. Was it that important? Will you even remember what the argument or difference of opinion was about next week? If you love or care about your family member, think about the positives. If one person seems to always lean toward the negative, ask them to really make an effort, for the happiness of all the family , to be optimistic, think positively and just give it a try.
Negative thinkers can be very hard to cope with. Sometimes the best results are to side-step the argument. Re-think a way to do what you need to do. Take the lead and control the situation. After the holidays, marital issues like that can be discussed privately (or with a counselor/coach) as this is likely a long term need rather than just seasonal.
