CHASING THE BLUES AWAY

Often when I am coaching someone we begin to talk about obstacles that stand in the way of something they are trying to do or achieve. As the communication opens up I can make an assessment of the degree of sadness, depression, worry , anxiety or "low kinds of feelings" that are occuring for this individual. Being a licensed therapist allows me to understand and qualify needs that my clients might have accurately and that allows our sessions to really pin-point blocks or obstacles that they are confronting so that we can move beyond that.

Everyone has the blues now and then from women to men , (like the photos here are used to respresent the idea) teenagers and even very young children. Facial expressions don't always give people away, but sometimes posture, eye contact, lack of verbal interaction and socially withdrawing makes it painfully clear.

Examples of "deep sadness" presenting situations can be anything from a grief reaction over the loss of a loved one, death of a beloved pet or to the breakup of a relationship. Then again some depressed feelings can consist of long term chronic awareness of situations in which one feels trapped, or not being able to find a job, not having a partner to share life with or ongoing money problems. And having the blues can be short lived , but sometimes intense feelings of worry, or boredom or emptiness that fades or disappears when the next time something more enjoyable is happening.

When someone is trying to cope with depression and resulting behavioral probems , or a drug or alcohol addiction, I will refer that person to work with a competent psychotherapist. I refer to people I know and whose style of therapy I am familiar with. Although I am qualified to do that work myself, the field of coaching is not counseling and problems such as these require a different approach in providing help and usually longer therapy and work.

With individuals not needing counseling- we start with what the problem or area of desired understanding or improvement is right now. The process calls for getting the full picture, but for moving in the desired direction immediately. No weeks and weeks of getting childhood memories or dysfunctional family of origin limitations before the actual work of moving forward can happen. This is one of the true joys of coaching; progress happens from the first visit.

Feel free to give me a call at 760.956.3310 to discuss what it is you'd like to do and see if coaching is just what you might be looking for.

INTIMACY AND A CALVIN KLEIN BILLBOARD

This morning in New York City a giant billboard featuring another provocative Calvin Klein ad for underwear graces the people passing by, and not without stirring a bit of controversy. On the other hand a news station featured people of all ages looking at the new billboard and finding it perfectly alright, cool even. The billboard features a well known model/actress in a see-through bra and skimpy panties looking hot and sweaty, entwined with a male model who is equally damp and preoccupied with anticipation on his face as Eva Mendes begins to pull down the waist band of his briefs.

The fact that more and more individiauls are becoming so used to these ads and precursors that were even more racy has become the norm. People in NY City however are not the only ones more accustomed to seeing, hearing and speaking about sexual intimacy in all the many forms we are exposed to today and some people have become almost blase' about it. While this ad falls into the sexual intimacy category, in day to day relationships, intimacy takes on many forms.

In Beth Le Poire's book on Family Communication, Nurturing and Control in a Changing World, on the topic of human intimacy in general, she discusses emotional intimacy, which is described as a sense of closeness that you have with others on an emotional level. It represents the extent to which you can confide in the other person about your emotions and the extent that they can do that with you. Intellectual intimacy then is the extent to which you feel connected because you share a similar worldview and ideas of how things should be. It’s easy to talk about your thoughts with one another. You might find yourself on the same page all the time or feeling like you can read one another's thoughts.

We often don't hear the term recreational intimacy, but it represents the extent to which you and another enjoy time together in recreational activities. This could be sports, video games, walking in a park, fishing, and other kinds of mutually shared activities. This is shared not just in coulples, but in friendships too.

Social intimacy includes sharing social networks and doing things with others as a family. This can be a married couple going out to dinner with friends, your own family reunions. Overlapping can occur and the more it does –the more opportunity for social activities in and outside of the family. A new phenomena on Facebook (social networking media) is Farmtown, an innocuous game in which people can pretend they live on a farm and they can buy or gift animals, plants and other farm-like items. They can have neighbors as well and have a "pretend life" in this virtual location. Long hours are spent by people addicted to the fun while they interact with one another. Communication is taking place in a virtual make believe world.

Of course physical intimacy refers to how comfortable you feel being physically expressive with another. Physical intimacy is not just sexual intercourse. It can range from feeling ok about a touch on your arm, giving a hug, all the way to sexual intercourse. Sometimes there are physical expressions though without intimacy (a warm hug from a friend, or closeness that you sense or a kiss on the cheek from grandma). It’s how the behavior is interpreted and understood that represents the importance of that behavior in establishing, maintaining and reflecting intimacy.

The Klein billboard depicts physical intimacy and the visual suggestion that greater intimacy is about to happen. Certainly it stirs up feelings, both emotional and physical in viewers. Does it make you want to buy Calvin Klein underwear? Does it make the evening news thereby giving the clothier more advertising exposure? Does it condition us to more and more risque' or nearly nude advertising, movies, pictures, visual displays of all kinds? All the answers are problaby yes to those questions. What then is the impact, as time progresses , on the way couples perceive intimacy? Where will lines be drawn or not on what is acceptable ? Will this wreak havoc on establishng agreements for marital couples? Will it be a matter od discussion before getting married even?

We live in a world that is constantly changing and society continues to dictate for the most part what is acceptable and what is not. As the public accepts more and more freedom from the media and advertisers, are our norms within our marriages also going to shift into greater openess about intimacy?

In the upcoming months, articles regarding sexuality and intimacy will be offered here, as preparation advances for the publishing of my forthcoming book: Adultery is Universal, But I'm Getting Married Anyway (What To Know Before You Do).