CLEAR TRANSITIONS

HOLIDAY CONFLICT

2011-11-28T14:34:00.000-08:00

HOLIDAY CONFLICT

Every year as the holidays approach there is a tendency at times for nerves to get a little bit frayed or sometimes a lot. When this happens, often frustration builds and anger can be instant. It’s more likely that irritation has had some time to simmer so that when someone flies off the handle for an action or some words from someone else – especially from a family member- it may seem unwarranted or out of proportion with the occurrence.

In families this happens because we have been around each other for many years and come to know behavior or comments that other family members make that we don’t like and if we are under any stress at all – for a variety of reasons or even self-imposed, we can snap . We may then feel the other person deserved our anger or we rationalize to ourselves that we were tired, entitled to get mad or just don’t care right then. Other times we may feel guilty and sometimes we may actually try to understand why we lost it at that particular time. Regardless of everything- fighting and arguing, harboring angry resentment happens in many homes and is exacerbated by holiday tension.

So how do we deal with this?

What we usually want to achieve is some kind of peace again. We want to get past it. Here are a few things you can do that might help:

1.Consider that the other person was not intending to hit a nerve. Take a deep breath.

2.Listen to what they actually said. Paraphrase what you understood them to be saying. If you understood correctly, and disagree, or have your feelings hurt, say so, but leave out the expletives and name-calling especially. Siblings do a lot of this. If the situation is an on-going- back and forth repartee, parents might step in and ask the siblings or a partner or child to connect with one another for the holidays.

3.Learn how to really listen without using blocks to listening. We block unknowingly in many ways; distractions, comparing, day-dreaming, attitudes, assumptions, rehearsing what we plan to say next, judging the other person, filtering what we hear and don’t, derailing and changing the subject, being right, sparring, placating and advising, dominating and even more ways.

4.Try to put yourself in their shoes. Consider where they might be coming from. Realize that they too might be stressed or worried.

5.After you listen to the other person, ask them if they are willing to hear your point of view. If you haven’t barked his/her head off, he or she should be willing to listen to you.

6.If a problem needs to be solved or a decision made and there are opposing perspectives, once you have listened carefully to one another, if no compromise can be found, consider an alternative. Invite ideas from other family members if need be. Ultimately you want to feel like each of you was heard and understood and that the results were reasonably satisfying to each of you.

7.Let go. Was it that important? Will you even remember what the argument or difference of opinion was about next week? If you love or care about your family member, think about the positives. If one person seems to always lean toward the negative, ask them to really make an effort, for the happiness of all the family , to be optimistic, think positively and just give it a try.

Negative thinkers can be very hard to cope with. Sometimes the best results are to side-step the argument. Re-think a way to do what you need to do. Take the lead and control the situation. After the holidays, marital issues like that can be discussed privately (or with a counselor/coach) as this is likely a long term need rather than just seasonal.

When a Loved One Needs Care

2011-07-06T14:07:00.000-07:00

Taking care of a loved one who is ill becomes a personal sacrifice if the illness or injury lingers. For many adult children, a parent's inability to recover within a short time frame means giving up the lightness you may feel in your own life for a period of time. It's as though you are on an indefinite hold. Like an airplane that is ready to land, but can't because of the fog.

Often the caregiver, besides feeling physically tired, is dealing with many other emotions and feels continuously under pressure to put the other person’s needs first and foremost in their own lives. Sacrifice happens and remorse, sometimes resentment and ultimately guilt for feeling resentful. Adjusting and finding some degree of balance in your life at this time is difficult.

Some family members are gracious and accepting. Others may tend to avoid discussions regarding the parent or relative, vainly trying to keep their own feelings in check or trying to stay in a strong position to actually help you. This may appear as disinterest or avoidance and requires some skill in broaching the subject and allowing the family member to express what they too are going through. This requires listening skills on your part, adding more weight on top of an already heavy situation.

For some, this is a ritual, having lost someone dear to them before. However that does not mean that the intensity of the worry, concern, dismay and sadness is any less. For others there is a sureness that their loved one will recover fully, or even partially, while still others survive believing there is at least a ray of hope.

Caregivers for those with dementia or Alzheimer’s, or family or a friend recovering from a stroke are beset upon with overwhelming emotions eventually. Knowing that a partner or parent’s memory will decline monumentally and that anger, frustration and erratic behavior often occurs is like experiencing a double loss. It’s not just the concern for the afflicted one, but it is on top of the pressure of the responsibility and the giving up of time for yourself that you used to have hopefully, before accepting or having no choice to be the primary support person.

Having a partner who is sympathetic and empathic will unquestionably help with relief and support. Attending a group of other individuals who are in similar positions is also beneficial for those caring for others. But taking care, taking good care of yourself is of paramount importance.

This of course includes the basics which people tend to sacrifice the most, getting enough sleep, eating right and enough (not too much) and exercising as much as possible and as needed. It also includes getting others to give you breaks. Have someone else set up a schedule of available friends and relatives. Take a complete day and night away, leaving your loved one with someone you trust. Take time to have date night and time to be with your children or attend some function of theirs. Play with your pets. Visit with your own friends. Try to do some of the work you usually do with your job or profession. Use relaxation techniques, hypnosis, guided imagery, meditation. Even prayer is a way of shifting the responsibility for awhile to a higher power.

If possible activities with the person you love which range from showing them new technology, to scrapbooking, to reading to them, visiting, attending to what they might like to do, including, if ambulatory or in a wheelchair- taking them outside, going for a short walk, especially in fair weather is delightful and helps with both mental and physical improvement.

If the person you are caring for is terminal, the more you prepare, the more your period of grief will be manageable. If this person will linger long term, enlist outside help if you can and ultimately hospice. If your loved one is recuperating and will recover partially or fully, you have that to look forward to with a positive attitude and frame of mind. Planning for this happier time period can and will also help you balance as you make this transition as well.

For more in depth reading on the topic, please click on(or copy and place in your browswer)these links.

http://www.lakesidemilam.com/MedicalSupportServices2.htm
http://www.mylifetime.com/lifestyle/health/caring-dying-parent
http://www.caringinfo.org/i4a/pages/index.cfm?pageid=1
http://www.terminalillness.co.uk/caring-for-a-dying-parent.html

Sliding out of Unhappy Spaces

2010-11-05T14:52:00.000-07:00

By now, with all the literature and articles available about depression vs. the blues vs. being out of sorts or just plain "blah" and other nomenclature used to describe feelings when you are other than content or outright happy or joyful, we know enough to recognize, stress from overwhelm from "burn out". Still there are days when we can't quite get a grip on the "down" feelings and even if we do intellectualize or analyze them correctly, we still may not be able to pull ourselves out of them. Sometimes we don't even want to pull ourselves out. Maybe we are too darn tired to do that. Still the nagging awareness that being in the dumps is not really where we want to be, causes us to make choices about what works best for us to move past them.

In the years ago sitcom Ally McBeal, she and other women resorted to eating their favorite ice cream right out of the 1/2 gallon cardboard container. In a world where women are forever watching their weight, something about that seemed right. Like we are entitled to do that when we feel sad or hurt so it was ok to eat large amounts of sugar right from the tub. Other people withdraw from interaction. Kind of like hiding out in your room 'til the dark clouds pass. Others use it as an excuse to be impolite, terse in response to others, pout, send people away. Some people sleep.

Over the years I've learned a variety of ways from clients and friends about coping with these heavy feeling days. Some of these may work for you or be worth a try if you have not tried them before:

*Narrow down and isolate specific reasons for your feelings.

*If the feeling is hurt, and you feel it in the pit of your stomach it's so bad, determine the very first time you ever felt this feeling. Does whatever is happening now that makes you feel this way harken back to the sensitivity that occured the first time? If so is the emotion exascerbated or intensified because of this sensitivity? If so, perhps you can re-evaluate it and find that this time it is not really as bad as it seemed.

*Are you taking on the woes of someone else? Is it beginning to engulf you? If so can you visually slide that burden off of you, particularly if there is no direct way for you to help in the situation for the other person or persons? You do not have to own the problem also.

*Are you a natural born worrier? Be conscious of it. Does the situation really require worrying? If so, is the degree of your worrying out of proportion with what the reality is? Move on mentally to other work, or interact with someone else. Get involved with something you like to do. Take some positive action.

*Can you reframe the issue? Is there another perspective you can gain from that issue? Perhaps you could perceive an advantage or some relief from the situation you had not seen before.

*Can you categorize the feeling as resulting from being overwhelmed and begin to prioritize and set goals for either accoplishing the tasks at hand or diminishing them by delegating or finding another way to bring you relief?

*Is the problem one of burn-out? If so you have been struggling with it for awhile. Make some plans for a new path of action to set your goals for. Take a rest, hot bath, jacuzzi. Have a massage, a pedicure. Play a pick up game of basketball, join a sports team set up in Parks & Recreation. Can't leave your computer? Play solataire or other games online during your lunch break if you can't get away. Watch low brow TV, anything that takes no effort, as long as you can enjoy it to some degree. Take time for your children - to just watch and enjoy them. Play with your dog or cat. Get a hug from a lover. Check your vitamin intake and get a blood panel done and a physical. Set some action steps to move through.

*Momentarily feeling stress from issues you usually can handle? Is there a physical component that causes you to be low on energy? Can you cut yourself some slack because of that and just be? Physical exercise, especially cardio exercise can reduce the negative feeling. Eat properly, forget the ice cream. Determine the stress and effective methods to reduce or eliminate it. You know how to do this within yourself because you undoubtedly have had to do it before. Sometimes little prayers help for some as well.

If you still feel like molten lead emotionally and are dreading continuing like that, help someone else with their problem. Tell yourself that you are not going to indulge yourself and wallow in the abyss any longer. Rather take action to move out of the deep hole you slipped into. Get on your own case! It's fine to remind yourself of people less fortunate than you are, but actually actively doing something kind, generous, or just listening to someone else express their problem or needs will help you. Becoming involved with helping others recover allows you to distract yourself from the either the comfortable negative space you find yourself in, or the higly uncomfortable, anxiety ridden, out-in-the-open vulnerability to the slightest discomfort space you might be in.

No one to help? Journalize. Write in a diary. Send an e-mail to a friend who will actually read it and respond supportively. Go to a class or seminar. Listen to a sermon in church. Read a novel or just peruse those magazines you never get a chance to read.

The sun will come up tomorrow as Orphan Annie always said. Make it happen. (Thanks Tim).

JUMP START SUCCESS NOW!!

2010-06-30T12:21:00.000-07:00

There's something about summer that's left over from school days. When summer arrives, a lot of us kind of hit the brakes and coast a little as we go through these hotter months-especially if you are a teacher. That's not to say if you are an instructor that you sit around eating bonbons, not at all. Most teachers I know either teach other classes, summer school, or are busy preparing at least some work for the next semester. Even if you are not in teaching, September brings in a new year of sorts. That leaves the summer months to think about what you plan to do, need to do, or want to do for that upcoming time.

For many the Autumn months are a kick off time to make the second half of the year show the profits we want. It's not a time to slow down. But making that work means setting up plans and doing it creatively and effectively in order to take action that brings the desired results when we are ready. Often this involves introducing a new product, a new promotion, a new service- one that coincides with the season.

If you compete with others, your plan will involve excelling, if you are an entrepreneur- the summer may serve as a think tank to bring about results in the months ahead. All of this takes focus and the beauty of summer creates many distractions that hold us up. Often the thought is along the lines of: "Well, I have lots of time- the whole summer to do this." "I should be planning, but it can wait." That procrastinatination often leads to last minute preparation, and working under pressure. Working under pressure, even if you are good at it, creates stress. You, your body, your partner and family all feel it one way or another.

Group coaching to Jump Start your successes, whether it involves self growth, business development, relationship improvement or other endeavors, is an excellent process to get what you want. An incredible special summer rate of only $98.95 per month will be given each of you. 5 people to a group, tele-sessions are once a week for two months, with e-mail follow up and exercises to help you advance on your own as well. Groups can also be conducted online via video conferencing so that we can see and hear one another at the same time. To reserve a place for the July 19, 2010 sessions please e-mail me at docaurum@aol.com. We'll set up a time to talk. When you join, all information and coaching materials will be sent to you as well.

Looking forward to working together on your future-

COACHING WORKS DIRECTLY TO ACHIEVE GOALS

2010-05-21T15:41:00.000-07:00

Coaching is so beneficial, whether I am availing myself of the opportunity or working in a co-creative process with someone else. I'm continuously amazed at how some of the non-essential areas that emerge during coaching are carefully put on the side and the main issue brought to the forward. It's exciting to see the steps that are taken toward solving a problem or making a decision and having not only clarity about it, but confidence that what you have discovered is so meaningful to you. Any issues held for another time are given careful consideration, but do not bog down the goal. E-mail re-caps too, help you to remember easily everything we covered. Contact me to set up a complimentary 20 minute session if you like. It's a tele-session so you can live anywhere.

Although I cover all areas of relationship interaction, I do work with individual needs in virtually any area that I am qualified for. I can also work with couples at the same time. I can do this with no extra charge for you in and audio and video session online if you like rather than on the telephone. Couple coaching is especially excellent this way and although I am on the West Coast, you could be in New York or anywhere is the states. Often my clients comment on how much they enjoy the face to face interaction also.

I hope you'll take a look at the CLEAR TRANSITIONS website and check out my background and services, products and fees.

Thanks for visiting and please check in often

Natural Health Cures with Cinnamon & Honey

2010-01-14T11:25:00.000-08:00

You know that expression, "I'm trying to catch a cold?" I don't use it beause I think it's framed as a negative when I am trying to AVOID catching a cold. So right now, being that I am fighting a cold, a nice friend of mine sent me this information below. For those of you who prefer to go natural (and who doesn't any more?) take a look at the marvels of raw, local honey and cinnamon (pure- not cut with other substances).

Cinnamon and Honey ~ Honey can be used without any side effects for any kind of diseases.Today's science says that even though honey is sweet, if taken in the right dosage as a medicine, it does not harm diabetic patients. Weekly World News, a magazine in Canada , in its issue dated 17 January,1995 has given the following list of diseases that can be cured by honey and cinnamon as researched by western scientists:
HEART DISEASES:Make a paste of honey and cinnamon powder, apply on bread, instead of jelly and jam, and eat it regularly for breakfast.. It reduces the cholesterol in the arteries and saves the patient from heart attack. Also those who have already had an attack, if they do this process daily, they are kept miles away from the next attack. Regular use of the above process relieves loss of breath and strengthens the heart beat.
Arthritis patients:May take daily, morning, and night, one cup of hot water with two spoons of honey and one small teaspoon of cinnamon powder. If Taken regularly even chronic arthritis can be cured. In a recent research conducted at Copenhagen University, it was found that when the doctors treated their patients with a mixture of one tablespoon of Honey and half teaspoon of cinnamon powder before breakfast, they found that within a week, out of the 200 people so treated, practically 73 patients were totally relieved of pain, and within a month, mostly all the patients who could not walk or move around because of arthritis started walking without pain.
BLADDER INFECTIONS:Take two tablespoons of cinnamon powder and one teaspoon of honey in a glass of lukewarm water and drink it.. It destroys the germs in the bladder.
Facts on Honey and Cinnamon:It is found that a mixture of honey and cinnamon cures most diseases. Honey is produced in most of the countries of the world. Scientists of today also accept honey as a 'Ram Ban' (very effective) medicine or all kinds of diseases.
COLDS:Those suffering from common or severe colds should take one tablespoon lukewarm honey with 1/4 spoon cinnamon powder daily for three days. This Process will cure most chronic cough, cold, and clear the sinuses.
CHOLESTEROL:Two tablespoons of honey and three teaspoons of Cinnamon Powder mixed in 16 ounces of tea water, given to a cholesterol patient, was found to reduce The level of cholesterol in the blood by 10 percent within two hours. As mentioned for arthritic patients, if taken three times a day, any chronic cholesterol is cured. According to information received in the said Journal, pure honey taken with food daily relieves complaints of cholesterol.
GAS:According to the studies done in India and Japan , it is revealed that if honey is taken with cinnamon powder the stomach is relieved of gas..
IMMUNE SYSTEM:Daily use of honey and cinnamon powder strengthens the immune system and protects the body from bacteria and viral attacks. Scientists have found that honey has various vitamins and iron in large amounts. Constant use of honey strengthens the white blood corpuscles to fight bacteria and viral diseases.
INDIGESTION:Cinnamon powder sprinkled on two tablespoons of honey taken before food relieves acidity and digests the heaviest of meals.
INFLUENZA:A scientist in Spain has proved that honey contains a natural 'Ingredient' Which kills the influenza germs and saves the patient from flu.
LONGEVITY:Tea made with honey and cinnamon powder, when taken regularly, arrests the ravages of old age. Take four spoons of honey, one spoon of cinnamon powder And three cups of water and boil to make like tea. Drink 1/4 cup, three to four times a day. It keeps the skin fresh and soft and arrests old age. Life spans also increases and even a 100 year old, starts performing the chores of a 20-year-old.
PIMPLES:Three tablespoons of honey and one teaspoon of cinnamon powder paste apply this paste on the pimples before sleeping and wash it next morning with Warm water. If done daily for two weeks, it removes pimples from the root.
SKIN INFECTIONS:Applying honey and cinnamon powder in equal parts on the affected parts cures eczema, ringworm and all types of skin infections.
WEIGHT LOSS:Daily in the morning one half hour before breakfast on an empty stomach and at night before sleeping, drink honey and cinnamon powder boiled in one cup of water. If taken regularly, it reduces the weight of even the most obese person. Also, drinking this mixture regularly does not allow the fat to accumulate in the body even though the person may eat a high calorie diet.
CANCER:Recent research in Japan and Australia has revealed that advanced cancer of the stomach and bones have been cured successfully. Patients suffering from these kinds of cancer should daily take one tablespoon of honey with one teaspoon of cinnamon powder for one month three time s a day..
FATIGUE:Recent studies have shown that the sugar content of honey is more helpful rather than being detrimental to the strength of the body. Senior citizens, who take honey and cinnamon powder in equal parts, are more alert and flexible. Dr. Milton, who has done research, says that a half tablespoon of honey taken in a glass of water and sprinkled with cinnamon powder, taken daily after brushing and in the afternoon at about 3:00 P.M. When the vitality of the body starts to decrease, increases the vitality of the body within a week.
BAD BREATH:People of South America , first thing in the morning, gargle with one teaspoon of honey and cinnamon powder mixed in hot water, so their breath stays fresh throughout the day.
HEARING LOSS:Daily morning and night honey and cinnamon powder, taken in equal parts restore hearing. Remember when we were kids? We had toast with real butter and cinnamon sprinkled on it!
ARTHRITIS:In America and Canada , various nursing homes have treated patients successfully and have found that as you age, the arteries and veins lose their flexibility and get clogged; honey and cinnamon revitalize the arteries and veins. You might want to share this information with a friend, kinfolks and love ones
UPSET STOMACH:Honey taken with cinnamon powder cures stomach ache and also clears stomach ulcers from the root.

Language Patterns Start in the Womb

2010-01-11T14:31:00.000-08:00

A recent article in an AOL news section describes a new finding which is that babies still in the womb are picking up elements of their parents native tongue. Up until now we have taught and been taught that children have to learn through their parents after birth to imitate sounds and how to communicate and what to communicate. When scientists recorded and analyzed the cries of 60 healthy newborns, born to French or German speaking households, the analysis revealed clear differences in the melodies of their cries based on their native tongue.

These researchers believe that the development of language is rooted in melody and the findings listed above support the idea. Music and language might have co-evolved for a certain time during evolution and share a primordial form of communication system, says Kathleen Wermke, a medical anthropologist at the University of Wurzberg in Germany. (November 5, 2009 -Current Biology).

What a fascinating bit of research. It puts me in mind of the many different documentaries and even films that demostrate the power of melody and the connection to language in other ways. I think first of slavery in the United States and how information was passed among African people to convey news and warnings and other information. In the film Australia, the young half white/half aborigine, called a "creamy" in a derrogative manner talks about his aborigine grandfather "singing it" to him. The "it" might be a location, an answer to a question, or even a request.

Because the research indicates that babies are hearing this in the womb first, and since we already know that babies can hear in the womb, singing to your child, reading to your child and Mom even cooing or crying influences aspect, tone, and patterns of the way your child develops his or her language.

Perhaps you have already noticed this in your own children or in the children of parents whom you know well.

CHASING THE BLUES AWAY

2009-11-10T12:55:00.001-08:00

Often when I am coaching someone we begin to talk about obstacles that stand in the way of something they are trying to do or achieve. As the communication opens up I can make an assessment of the degree of sadness, depression, worry , anxiety or "low kinds of feelings" that are occuring for this individual. Being a licensed therapist allows me to understand and qualify needs that my clients might have accurately and that allows our sessions to really pin-point blocks or obstacles that they are confronting so that we can move beyond that.

Everyone has the blues now and then from women to men , (like the photos here are used to respresent the idea) teenagers and even very young children. Facial expressions don't always give people away, but sometimes posture, eye contact, lack of verbal interaction and socially withdrawing makes it painfully clear.

Examples of "deep sadness" presenting situations can be anything from a grief reaction over the loss of a loved one, death of a beloved pet or to the breakup of a relationship. Then again some depressed feelings can consist of long term chronic awareness of situations in which one feels trapped, or not being able to find a job, not having a partner to share life with or ongoing money problems. And having the blues can be short lived , but sometimes intense feelings of worry, or boredom or emptiness that fades or disappears when the next time something more enjoyable is happening.

When someone is trying to cope with depression and resulting behavioral probems , or a drug or alcohol addiction, I will refer that person to work with a competent psychotherapist. I refer to people I know and whose style of therapy I am familiar with. Although I am qualified to do that work myself, the field of coaching is not counseling and problems such as these require a different approach in providing help and usually longer therapy and work.

With individuals not needing counseling- we start with what the problem or area of desired understanding or improvement is right now. The process calls for getting the full picture, but for moving in the desired direction immediately. No weeks and weeks of getting childhood memories or dysfunctional family of origin limitations before the actual work of moving forward can happen. This is one of the true joys of coaching; progress happens from the first visit.

Feel free to give me a call at 760.956.3310 to discuss what it is you'd like to do and see if coaching is just what you might be looking for.

INTIMACY AND A CALVIN KLEIN BILLBOARD

2009-11-10T10:00:00.000-08:00

This morning in New York City a giant billboard featuring another provocative Calvin Klein ad for underwear graces the people passing by, and not without stirring a bit of controversy. On the other hand a news station featured people of all ages looking at the new billboard and finding it perfectly alright, cool even. The billboard features a well known model/actress in a see-through bra and skimpy panties looking hot and sweaty, entwined with a male model who is equally damp and preoccupied with anticipation on his face as Eva Mendes begins to pull down the waist band of his briefs.

The fact that more and more individiauls are becoming so used to these ads and precursors that were even more racy has become the norm. People in NY City however are not the only ones more accustomed to seeing, hearing and speaking about sexual intimacy in all the many forms we are exposed to today and some people have become almost blase' about it. While this ad falls into the sexual intimacy category, in day to day relationships, intimacy takes on many forms.

In Beth Le Poire's book on Family Communication, Nurturing and Control in a Changing World, on the topic of human intimacy in general, she discusses emotional intimacy, which is described as a sense of closeness that you have with others on an emotional level. It represents the extent to which you can confide in the other person about your emotions and the extent that they can do that with you. Intellectual intimacy then is the extent to which you feel connected because you share a similar worldview and ideas of how things should be. It’s easy to talk about your thoughts with one another. You might find yourself on the same page all the time or feeling like you can read one another's thoughts.

We often don't hear the term recreational intimacy, but it represents the extent to which you and another enjoy time together in recreational activities. This could be sports, video games, walking in a park, fishing, and other kinds of mutually shared activities. This is shared not just in coulples, but in friendships too.

Social intimacy includes sharing social networks and doing things with others as a family. This can be a married couple going out to dinner with friends, your own family reunions. Overlapping can occur and the more it does –the more opportunity for social activities in and outside of the family. A new phenomena on Facebook (social networking media) is Farmtown, an innocuous game in which people can pretend they live on a farm and they can buy or gift animals, plants and other farm-like items. They can have neighbors as well and have a "pretend life" in this virtual location. Long hours are spent by people addicted to the fun while they interact with one another. Communication is taking place in a virtual make believe world.

Of course physical intimacy refers to how comfortable you feel being physically expressive with another. Physical intimacy is not just sexual intercourse. It can range from feeling ok about a touch on your arm, giving a hug, all the way to sexual intercourse. Sometimes there are physical expressions though without intimacy (a warm hug from a friend, or closeness that you sense or a kiss on the cheek from grandma). It’s how the behavior is interpreted and understood that represents the importance of that behavior in establishing, maintaining and reflecting intimacy.

The Klein billboard depicts physical intimacy and the visual suggestion that greater intimacy is about to happen. Certainly it stirs up feelings, both emotional and physical in viewers. Does it make you want to buy Calvin Klein underwear? Does it make the evening news thereby giving the clothier more advertising exposure? Does it condition us to more and more risque' or nearly nude advertising, movies, pictures, visual displays of all kinds? All the answers are problaby yes to those questions. What then is the impact, as time progresses , on the way couples perceive intimacy? Where will lines be drawn or not on what is acceptable ? Will this wreak havoc on establishng agreements for marital couples? Will it be a matter od discussion before getting married even?

We live in a world that is constantly changing and society continues to dictate for the most part what is acceptable and what is not. As the public accepts more and more freedom from the media and advertisers, are our norms within our marriages also going to shift into greater openess about intimacy?

In the upcoming months, articles regarding sexuality and intimacy will be offered here, as preparation advances for the publishing of my forthcoming book: Adultery is Universal, But I'm Getting Married Anyway (What To Know Before You Do).

Schedueling Effectively to Reach Those Goals

2009-09-05T13:46:00.000-07:00

I get energized when I am excited about something new I am doing. I can work for hours and the time goes by very fast. I munch less, and I try to get up frequently, especially if at the computer and I'll do house work or run errands or exercise or read or write and often alter my day by taking time for myself.

I think we underestimate the importance of taking that time and doing whatever it is that relaxes you and refreshes you. That might be to read a magazine or a good book you can escape into. You could take a hot soothing bath, or go outside and walk around, have a cup of tea or do some stretches, draw or sculpt or anything that takes you away from hard focus on work. To keep on track though, making up a daily schedule that you can work to become routine is both fun and very helpful to accomplish those dreams you have along with staying healthy and positive.

You can use whatever format you like the most to create a schedule. For example I use a day timer that shows me both the whole month and has individual pages for each day. This works pretty well- although I find it on the monthly planner page the most- and that page lacks details because of its size. To get the full amount of info I might need - I have to write it on the day page and then remember to go there. Some of my friends might say I need to remember to go to the monthly planner page too.

Since I have a busy schedule to begin with and now am adding the writing of a book, I need to go further to make this happen. I need a disciplined approach. A way to do this would be to put it on a dry erase board hung on the wall. (Mine is behind the door to the room doing me no good at all). Another possible solution is a large desk calendar. It can have the whole month shown and the boxes are large enough for the details. When the details are going to be the same nearly every day- you can color code it across the board. Then each time you look at it , it serves not only as an instant reminder of what your day needs to include to accomplish your goals, but it also serves as a motivator.

For others , behind a computer most of the day, you might still prefer to schedule your time on the computer itself. Numerous software applications for this proccedure are available. Many host sites provide one free in their own software. You still need to get up and leave the computer at various times- and being someone who is on the computer a lot; it takes will power to get up and stop sitting in the same position for many hours at a time.

You also need to schedule in free time no matter which method you use to make your schedule and be flexible enough that if other situations have to take precedence over your schedued time, you can, without regret or feeling desperate because you had to make adjustments. By doing this, day by day, time management becomes easier and more fruitful.

One last note-try not to make the making of a schedue a time consuming project. Don't take too much time doing it. Just do what works for you and gets you to actually take action and follow though. This is a great memory boost too for those of you (us) who need it.

Injury and Exercise

2009-06-20T11:04:00.000-07:00

Ever had a problem with a knee , an elbow, a hip or ankle? How do you still exercise without doing more damage to yourself? While I look into yoga a bit more- here's an interesting and helpful article.

The right choice of exercises can ease osteoarthrits pain and stiffness, without causing more damage to joints.

When you first start an exercise plan for osteoarthritis, you may not know exactly where to begin and which exercises are appropriate for you. Discuss options with your doctor and other health-care professionals, and make sure that your routine contains the three basic parts of a complete program : flexibility, strengthening and aerobic activities. Arrange your program to include these three types of exercise in ways that match your physical capabilities and your fitness goals.

Flexibility/Range-of-Motion Exercises
Flexibility exercises (also called range-of-motion or stretching exercises) keep your muscles stretched and your joints moving freely. Think of these exercises as the foundation of your program because flexibility is necessary for comfortable movement during exercise and daily activities. Flexibility exercises also reduce the risk of sprains and strains.
Flexibility exercises should be done gently and smoothly, usually every day. You may be familiar with this type of exercise as a “warm up,” because these moves are recommended before performing any vigorous type of exercise.
If you have been inactive for a while, or if you have stopped exercising temporarily because of your arthritis, these exercises are a good way to begin your fitness program. Start by building up to a daily routine of 15 minutes of flexibility exercises. When you are able to do 15 continuous minutes, you should have the mobility and endurance needed to begin adding strengthening and aerobic exercise to your program. If stiffness is a problem for you, consider taking a hot bath or shower before exercising to help “loosen up” joints.

Strengthening Exercises
Exercises that increase muscle strength and endurance are the second important component of your fitness program. Joint swelling, pain, and lack of use can weaken muscles. If you have arthritis, strong muscles are particularly important to help absorb shock, support joints and protect you from injury. You need strong muscles to climb stairs, walk safely, lift and reach.
Studies have found that among people with osteoarthritis, the ability to extend the knee often decreases in both the knee affected by the disease and the unaffected knee. In addition, reduced strength in the lower body is linked with increased disability from osteoarthritis. Fortunately, research has also shown that strengthening muscles in the knee, hip and ankle leads to improved balance and increased independence.
Strengthening exercises (also called resistance exercises) make your muscles work harder by adding weight or resistance to movement. Flexibility exercises can become strengthening exercises when you increase the speed, increase the number of repetitions, or add weight (resistance) to the exercise. The two types of strengthening exercises are isometric and isotonic exercises. During isometric exercises, you strengthen the muscles by tightening them without moving your joints. Isotonic exercises are just the opposite: You strengthen the muscles by moving your joints.
The goal of a strengthening program is to overload your muscles just enough so they adapt by becoming stronger. This can be done by adding hand-held or wrap-around weights, using elastic bands, or using the weight of your body. You can use weight machines or the resistance of water in pool exercises. But avoid overloading muscles so much that they are sore and stiff for a day or two after exercising.
If you have active inflammation or if your doctor has warned you to protect certain joints, check with a therapist about which strengthening exercises are best and safest for you. If you have been inactive, start by doing 15 minutes of flexibility exercises before you attempt the strengthening ones. When you begin, you’ll want to start with no weights or very light weights, and gradually add weight as you feel stronger.

Aerobic (Cardiovascular) Exercises
Aerobic exercise includes a wide variety of physical activities, not just the popular classes set to jazzy beats offered at most health clubs. Also known as endurance or cardiovascular exercises, aerobic exercises use the body’s large muscles in cadenced, continuous motions. Swimming, walking, swing dancing, riding a bicycle and even raking leaves are all aerobic exercises.
Aerobic exercise is the third component of your exercise routine. It makes your heart, lungs, blood vessels and muscles work more efficiently. Aerobic exercise is key to achieving overall health. It reduces your risk of developing diabetes, heart disease and high blood pressure. By making aerobic exercise a regular part of your routine, you may improve endurance and sleep, reduce the effects of stress, strengthen bones and control weight.
You should include some type of aerobic exercise three to four times in your weekly fitness routine. Aim to work within your target heart rate – usually about 60 to 85 percent of your maximum heart rate – for 30 minutes each session.
If you find that you cannot exercise continuously for 30 minutes, progress to this level slowly. Begin by gradually increasing your activity for five minutes, continue with five minutes of activity in your recommended heart range, then decrease activity for five minutes. Once you have mastered this routine, increase the length of activity in your target range.
• Walking. This is an excellent type of aerobic exercise for almost everyone. Walking requires no special skills and is inexpensive. You will need a good pair of supportive walking shoes, however. You can walk almost anytime and anywhere. Many towns now have mall walking clubs, providing a safe place to exercise no matter what the weather is like outside.
• Water exercise. Swimming and exercising in warm water are especially good for stiff joints and sore muscles. Water helps support your body while you move your joints through their range of motion. Swimming is highly recommended because little stress is placed on your joints. In many cities, the Arthritis Foundation offers an aquatics exercise program designed for people with arthritis. Call your local Arthritis Foundation chapter or check with your local YMCA or health club to see if this class is offered.
• Bicycling. Cycling on a stationary bicycle is a good way to get aerobic exercise without placing much stress on your hips, knees or feet. Some stationary bicycles allow you to exercise your upper body as well. When beginning, try not to pedal faster than five to 10 miles per hour. As you become more fit, you can increase your speed and/or add resistance to your workout. If you have osteoarthritis of the knee, you may wish to consult your doctor or physical therapist to determine if bicycling is an acceptable exercise for you.

Arthritis Foundation

EAT A BANANA!

2009-06-19T09:03:00.000-07:00

A professor at CCNY for a physiological psych class told his class about bananas. He said the expression "going bananas" is from the effects of bananas on the brain. Read on: Never, put your banana in the refrigerator!!! This is interesting. After reading this, you'll never look at a banana in the same way again.

Bananas contain three natural sugars - sucrose, fructose and glucose combined with fiber.. A banana gives an instant, sustained and substantial boost of energy. Research has proven that just two bananas provide enough energy for a strenuous 90-minute workout. No wonder the banana is the number one fruit with the world's leading athletes.

But energy isn't the only way a banana can help us keep fit. It can also help overcome or prevent a substantial number of illnesses and conditions, making it a must to add to our daily diet.

Depression: According to a recent survey undertaken by MIND amongst people suffering from depression, many felt much better after eating a banana. This is because bananas contain tryptophan, a type of protein that the body converts into serotonin, known to make you relax, improve your mood and generally make you feel happier.

PMS: Forget the pills - eat a banana. The vitamin B6 it contains regulates blood glucose levels, which can affect your mood.

Anemia: High in iron, bananas can stimulate the production of hemoglobin in the blood and so helps in cases of anemia.

Blood Pressure: This unique tropical fruit is extremely high in potassium yet low in salt, making it perfect to beat blood pressure. So much so, the US Food and Drug Administration has just allowed the banana industry to make official claims for the fruit's ability to reduce the risk of blood pressure and stroke.

Brain Power: 200 students at a Twickenham (Middlesex) school (England) were helped through their exams this year by eating bananas at breakfast, break, and lunch in a bid to boost their brain power. Research has shown that the potassium-packed fruit can assist learning by making pupils more alert.

Constipation: High in fiber, including bananas in the diet can help restore normal bowel action, helping to overcome the problem without resorting to laxatives.

Hangovers: One of the quickest ways of curing a hangover is to make a banana milkshake, sweetened with honey.. The banana calms the stomach and, with the help of the honey, builds up depleted blood sugar levels, while the milk soothes and re-hydrates your system.

Heartburn: Bananas have a natural antacid effect in the body, so if you suffer from heartburn, try eating a banana for soothing relief.

Morning Sickness: Snacking on bananas between meals helps to keep blood sugar levels up and avoid morning sickness.

Mosquito bites: Before reaching for the insect bite cream, try rubbing the affected area with the inside of a banana skin. Many people find it amazingly successful at reducing swelling and irritation.

Nerves: Bananas are high in B vitamins that help calm the nervous system.

Overweight and at work? Studies at the Institute of Psychology in Austria found pressure at work leads to gorging on comfort food like chocolate and chips. Looking at 5,000 hospital patients, researchers found the most obese were more likely to be in high-pressure jobs. The report concluded that, to avoid panic-induced food cravings, we need to control our blood sugar levels by snacking on high carbohydrate foods every two hours to keep levels steady.

Ulcers: The banana is used as the dietary food against intestinal disorders because of its soft texture and smoothness. It is the only raw fruit that can be eaten without distress in over-chronicler cases. It also neutralizes over-acidity and reduces irritation by coating the lining of the stomach.

Temperature control: Many other cultures see bananas as a "cooling" fruit that can lower both the physical and emotional temperature of expectant mothers. In Thailand, for example, pregnant women eat bananas to ensure their baby is born with a cool temperature.

Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD): Bananas can help SAD sufferers because they contain the natural mood enhancer tryptophan.

Smoking & Tobacco Use: Bananas can also help people trying to give up smoking. The B6, B12 they contain, as well as the potassium and magnesium found in them, help the body recover from the effects of nicotine withdrawal.

Stress: Potassium is a vital mineral, which helps normalize the heartbeat, sends oxygen to the brain and regulates your body's water balance. When we are stressed, our metabolic rate rises, thereby reducing our potassium levels. These can be rebalanced with the help of a high-potassium banana snack.

Strokes: According to research in The New England Journal of Medicine, eating bananas as part of a regular diet can cut the risk of death by strokes by as much as 40%!

Warts: Those keen on natural alternatives swear that if you want to kill off a wart, take a piece of banana skin and place it on the wart, with the yellow side out. Carefully hold the skin in place with a plaster or surgical tape!

So, a banana really is a natural remedy for many ills. When you compare it to an apple:
it has four times the protein, twice the carbohydrate, three times the phosphorus, five times the vitamin A and iron, and twice the other vitamins and minerals.

It is also rich in potassium and is one of the best value foods around. So maybe its time to change that well-known phrase so that we say, "A banana a day keeps the doctor away!"

The Beauty of Living Creatures...

2009-06-16T12:00:00.000-07:00

There are certain wild animals that scurry through my yard or fly through it that I marvel at. The baby cottontails in spring time, the assortment of squirrels, the random coyotes that approach the far regions of the fenced yard down below and of course the ravens.

Ahhh- the ravens. I have become an avid watcher of their behavior. Moms and dads have booked space and created gigantic nests, 30 feet high in a pine tree out front... the same spot used over and over again to hatch out two raven eggs at a time. You know they are there as you see the continuous flight of both male and female tirelessly bringing reeds, small branches, cotton fluffs from who knows where and bits and pieces of paper and other material to build and support Mom and the fledglings weight. Soon they are bringing food and often I see other neighboors spreading out food for the wild ones too.

I've watched a full grown raven fly directly into my thick glass window and die. I cried. I've seen one destroyed by a neighbor dog. But I've also seen two babies- quite large- having been blown from their nest during a wind storm the night before, take up residence in the dogs house out back. Not able to fly- it became their yard for several weeks. Watching them fly for the first time is like watching your own child ride a bike the first time. It's wonderful. One remained with us and frequently posed on the patio- the bird bath or sunned himself on the wall. I called him Trooper.

I've rescued one of Trooper's babies after he fell into the waterfall pond on the patio before he could fly- his parents squawking madly only ten feet above me. He lived in the yard for two weeks, and I set him up in a car tire with sticks like were in his nest and some soft fabric atop the dune buggy on the side of the house where he was safe. Mom would return to feed him often, dad too. He was gawky and scrawny with a slightly hooked beak. I named him Ichabod.

Ichabod is still here. He took over fathering the next crop of kids with Mrs. Ichabod. His first active offspring flew from the nest like a football made out of cement. Flew is not the correct adjective. Fortunately another tree broke his fall. In a day or two he did fly, awkwardly from one tree to another to the skylight on the roof, to the nearby telephone pole eventually. His feathers were all ruffled from crashing through the tree branches and stayed that way. I named him Billy Idol- but I have only seen him return once about a week ago. He is small and his sister (and yes I really have no idea about their gender- I just choose it based on what they look like to me) is plump, but was very hesitant to fly. It took her another week or more to go. I think she might have a problem because she hangs out with her folks still and several weeks have passed. She squawks out to them plaintively and lingers on nearby rooftops or sometimes even on the low patio wall near the birdbath. She has little concept it seems that two big dogs go out there frequently. She does fly well- but I wonder if she has not picked up the knack of gathering food. I probably have it all wrong- who knows. It's just fascinating to see the stories unfold inbetween the many hours I spend actually working.

Most people are aware that animals that we have made our pets, improve our dispositions, our physical and emotional health and extend our lives. The idea that there are people in the world that routinely hurt or kill helpless animals is appalling. It actually hurts me to read about atrocities commited on animals . I'm not saying that I don't care about wrong doing to humans, I'm just voicing disgust about mistreatment of animals .

I have an affinity with dogs. I love the dogs who have graced my life. To be able to speak to them and see that they understand, or at other times seem to understand or even don't respond in a way that indicates comprehension- it really does not matter. I adore every dog that has been my pleasure to share living with. I remember reading about Albert Schweitzer as a child and that he never so much as stepped on an ant and that message slowly began to dawn on me in new ways as I matured and became clearer about myself from a conscientious, spiritual, sensitive and altrusitic side of things. How could I knowingly not render assistence, water, food, love to other animals as well?

Working Away...

2009-06-15T13:10:00.000-07:00

I'm offering my first free teleseminar today and it is all about group coaching and everything I could think of you might want to know. It's a great way for me to test the waters doing a presentation this way and I am looking forrward to it. Hopefully everything works technologically.

In July I will offer another two session teleseminar on Self Hypnois for Personal or Business Growth. I have taught Self Hypnois to so many people both individally and in groups that I think this topic will flow very well in the teleseminar format. From there I will expand with group coaching for people who want to work with hypnosis more and perhaps a combo coaching/training in the subject.

Affter today it's back to working on writing my book. I attended another guest speaking event in the Writers Club and learned even more about fiction writing - which is on the back burner for me presently. Whew! One book at a time. I will set up a website and a blog for that one soon. I announced the title to the group members, many of whom seem older and retired. There was almost an audible gasp. I need to analyze the audience a bit more to not shock strangers I guess. They do not know my profession.

Remembering Dad

2009-06-10T12:59:00.000-07:00

When I was a little girl my dad's mom died. I was only seven and really did not understand death. I knew it was something not desired and that it made some people unhappy. I did not feel empathy for my father and he did not express sorrow that I was aware of. Instead he just seemed like the grouchy dad I often saw.

Tomorrow is the 2nd anniversary of the death of my dad. My mom, almost 90, is undoubtedly thinking about how much she misses him after 66 years of marriage. When he died - after deteriorating year after year with dementia, my poor mother, his care giver all that time, was passive, my brothers were distraught, my younger sister sad, and I was introspective. I never knew him well.

Grief is experienced in so many different ways. What may appear to be indifference may not be at all. What may appear to be overly dramatic may be exhausting, paralyzing emptiness and pain. Regardless of what we see, experiencing grief is so deeply personal and profound that understanding it in someone else is tantamount to impossible.

I have read that "normal" grief lasts about nine months to a year. Yet I have seen people close to me who seem the same as before the loss only weeks after. And of course I have seen people holding onto the memory of a loved one in extroadinary ways. Strange ways- to us- sometimes.

Today I'm thinking about the man who was my father. And it fills me with such a sad feeling that he is gone. And so I know how painful it is for anyone who feels loss and I know that talking about it is key to regaining balance or even just navigating the time after.

Hospice programs and workshops on dealing with grief are certainly available. Checking out what your local hospital offers is a good idea. A workshop I attended was presentd by Douglas C. Smith, MA, MS, M.Div., through The American Academy of Bereavement, www.bereavementacademy.org. I can strongly recommend it.

All these programs help because of communicating about what one feels or experiences and what methods or ways of grieving work the best for them. Coaching is a primary way of moving forward as it encompasses the same opportunity in confidential, one on one sessions, or for later down the road, perhaps even in a small coaching group environment .

Whatever way you choose to work through grief, remember there is always someone who will listen.

Out of the Dark...

2009-06-09T16:14:00.000-07:00

CLEAR TRANSITIONS and my activity in the field of coaching has expanded over the last few months and thus I've not updated much , but that's about to change. Speaking engagements, Facebook, Twitter, Teleseminars, new website and blogs are being incorporated in order to meet interesting people all over the world. It's wonderfully exciting to be able to devote more time to the pursuit of something I love and if you are reading this right now, you know exactly what I mean about throughly enjoying what you really like to do. Every new person in coaching or in an audience expands my horizons, and the more I read and research, the more I have to give.

I mention the new website which is at www.focusedcoachingonyou.com. While the original CLEAR TRANSITIONS site is still available www.cleartransitions.com our new site is very up to date with lists of programs and events, my fees, special stimulus packages, self improvement CD's, reading suggestions and CEU's for professionals. I hope you'll take a look.

During these rough times economically, if you are in business - this is a time when your marketing people are encouraging you to build- build- build- and prepare for when the tide changes again for the positive, And it will! If you are reading though here just for yourself and thinking that whatever it is you have been doing , in your own life or in business , just isn't working anymore, then you are in the right place. Life coaching, or interaction and coaching and guidance regarding your physical and emotional well-being is perfectly geared for you. In my next few posts, I look forward to posting all the different ways and areas in which you might like to take part. In addition I'll be writing about a myriad of topics , because if you love to learn , I love to share. Take care out there. The world is changing.

Is It Time?

2009-01-27T12:54:00.001-08:00

I think the expressions that refer to the Phoenix rising out of the ashes really appeals to me right now given the multitudes of individuals looking for new lines of work or education to get something new going. The difficulties the U.S. (and the rest of the world) are having with the economies and friction between diverse groups and countries of kind pushes a lot of people down into the dust emotionally and harms physically.

My philosophy when things have gotten to the point where instead of enjoying every day there is a nagging reminder of something troublesome or worries that keep poking into my mind, is to get on board the moving train out of that disappointing or "downer" kind of place.

Sometimes that takes re-framing my perspective, sometimes it takes soul-searching, always it takes some planning and often setting goals helps to motivate. No matter which direction I take though, they all require action. This is the ideal situation to take advantage of a few months of Life and/or Wellness Coaching. Rather than wonder what coaching is about or how it works, jump in and contact a coach and begin asking questions.

I offer a 30 minute, preliminary telemeeting to get to know one another , comment on the area (s) you believe you want to work on, and to get a feel for how we mesh with one another. There is no charge and it's a good way to understand how rewarding it feels to make yourself a complete priority. After all- we all need to feel whole and positive within ourselves to really offer effective help, advice, happiness and love to someone else.

Please take a look at the CLEAR TRANSITIONS webpage at http://www.cleartransitions.com/ to learn more about coaching and me as well. Please feel free to contact me at docaurum@aol.com or the CLEAR TRANSITIONS address.

Remember:

A lot of talent is lost in the world for wont of a little courage.
e.e. cummings

Hope to hear from you today.